All posts by SteveKarmazenuk

Reading My Own Words

…been reading the old post-edit foley of my upcoming book, They Came in Peace…it’s weird, I put it down so long ago after we edited it, me and my editor, that I’d really forgotten about the forest and the trees.

Sitting here during some downtime reading this story is weirdly dissociative: I remember writing this, I remember the broad strokes and “spoilers” of the story…but this feels like a book I bought because the irritatingly short synopsis and opening pages I flipped through piqued my curiosity; it feels like I’m reading someone else’s words.  I don’t mean that in any kind of nonsense impostor syndrome sort of way; maybe it’s because this story is so different from anything else I’ve ever tried to write.

But as much as the words are mine, they read like someone else’s, to my eyes’ inner ear; (my 3rd person omniscient narrator sounds like Sir Anthony Hopkins, you?) someone more educated, smarter, and wiser than I see myself.

Weird.

TL/DR: Get yourselves a good team of editors, kids!  If they can make MY writing look good, imagine how word good they can you!

I remember a time not so long ago when at this hour on a Saturday night I’d be on two tabs of acid at the local nightclub with a group of friends chain smoking and dancing and binge-drinking right there on the floor…the smell of booze sweat perfume and hormones everywhere…

…now I sit in the dark, wondering how I’m going to survive another broken day alone and struggling to find meaning…knowing that m y friends of old who left me behind are both still living as if they were young, while celebrating my grim absence.

How monstrously abhorrent am I that I was played the fool then, and considered a monster, now? In between and before, wasn’t I a friend? Did I not stand by every one of my friends, when their interests were not in direct conflict with my own? Did I not support them when the rest of the world turned their backs on them?

Yet time and again these same people would laugh at me behind my back, or outright dismiss me, once my use to them was done…mock me, make jokes at my expense…and I lost track of the number of times some of these people begged me back into their lives…

…yet here I am, alone, again and now and forever in the dark with my fractured memories and the countless shards of my shattered heart…where memories unbidden of my youth come back to haunt me with memories of missed opportunities and failed attempts, of blind eyes and deaf hearts…

…I pray the future will be better, for my children as they reach gradually, inevitably towards their second decades…that they will never the kind of selfish cruelty that I knew then in my time.

As to those I knew then? I rebuke you all; and it matters not. I am as impotent as King Kanute before the tides. I matter as little to your hearts and minds as you do to my day-to-day…

…and yet day to day all my heart and mind turn to are those of you I loved, called friend, those of you whose very presence made my life worth living, those of you I was in love with, those of you I loved like brothers and sisters, those of you who I, in my own, stupid, clumsy way only wanted to be accepted by…

I wonder: in your lives in the light do you ever spare a thought to those of us you left in the dark?

I know I’m not the first to have been dropped into this dark abyss…not even the latest, I’m sure…

But do you ever remember how truly, unselfishly you had been loved?

Do you even remembered that another real human being loved and cared about you?

Does it matter to you that all I ever wanted was to be loved back, to be accepted as I was, as I accepted you, as you were?

Lifehack: When you get sacked from a job, save the department email list.

OH, HAI!  I JUST CONNECTED TUMBLR TO MY BLOG!

I was sacked on Friday, told that I wasn’t good enough at a job I’ve had since a week before the 2 week Christmas/New Year’s break, and for which I’ve been asking for coaching help and feedback every goddamned day.

I’ve been depressed all weekend.  Didn’t see the kids.  Felt like shit.

Today, I woke up really angry, and sent the following email to my former coworkers, individually, and to the department group email ( Translated from the French in Italics, bold sections…deliberate exaggeration.)

To: [Varia]
From: >THIS asshole<
Subject: A Parting Word to my Dear Colleagues

I just wanted to share a couple of words with you, as I leave:

FUCK YOU!

THURSDAY YOU WERE ALL TELLING ME WHAT A PART OF THE TEAM I WAS…LAUDING ME FOR HANDLING THAT PHONE CALL…TELLING ME A FEW DAYS PRIOR THAT IT WAS LIKE I HAD ALWAYS BEEN PART OF THE TEAM.

FRIDAY, I’M HOME SICK, LYING IN BED AND IN PAIN AND WHAT HAPPENS, LISE [Redacted] PHONES ME TO TELL ME I’M OUT.  SACKED BECAUSE I’M NOT SMART ENOUGH TO WORK WITH YOU

WHAT HAPPENED TO TEAMWORK?  WHAT HAPPENED TO COACHING?  AND I DON’T MEAN TINA SIGHING AND MOANING DOWN THE LINE WHENEVER I ASKED HER TO SHOW ME SOMETHING.

YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF WORTHLESS FUCKING HYPOCRITES!  INSTEAD OF HELPING ME, INSTEAD OF HIGHLIGHTING MY PROBLEMS AND COACHING ME YOU KICK ME OUT OF MY ASS.

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW: MY EX-WIFE WON’T LET ME SEE THE KIDS ANYMORE BECAUSE I LOST MY JOB; I DON’T QUALIFY FOR EMPLOYMENT INSURANCE, AND I HAVE TO GO ON WELFARE – TO TRY AND SUPPORT MY PENSIONER SISTER.

YOU FUCKING BUNCH OF LOUSY SHITBAGS!  YOU DID THIS TO ME!  YOU FUCKED ME UP THE ASS AND LEFT ME TO DIE!

WELL I GOT NEWS FOR YOU: THE [Name of Organization taking over our Organization] TEAMS MAY BE FINE AND ALL, BUT UPPER MANAGEMENT ARE A BUNCH OF TOXIC, ABUSIVE BASTARDS!  I HOPE YOU ALL LEARN THE HARD WAY JUST WHAT IT IS TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT FOR DOING YOUR BEST AT A JOB YOU FUCKING LOVED!

FUCK YOU ALL!

I HOPE YOU ALL REMEMBER ME AS THE FAT MAN YOU FUCKING STABBED IN THE BACK.

Your brother in Christ,

S.M. Carriere can go fuck herself.

Two-bit, condescending authoress who think she can sneer down on other people’s early works, for the purpose of self-aggrandisement on her vlog.  All condescending titters and sneers.

You fucking miserable Ottawa hag, you’ve made an enemy for life.

Bitch, you better hope we don’t end up at the same Con at some point in the very near future. I’ll shove your own book sideways up your bony ass.