All posts by SteveKarmazenuk

Bernice, 1934-2020

My mother died early this morning.

She was the strongest, stubbornest, most loving, generous and powerful woman I have ever known.

I can’t begin to express the agony I feel, the profound loss.

The world is a darker place, today.

My world is ending…

I had my first job interview since before winter, today. It doesn’t look good, and unless I get this job, I am utterly fucked.

My landlord is not renewing my lease/possibly evicting me early. I cannot afford to move; My credit is shit (Because I’m still paying off the last time I moved), so I can’t get a loan or credit card to move.

My bills are piling up, because I’ve been on welfare for months – and welfare barely covers rent and a couple of week’s groceries. My sister, who has been helping me thusfar to survive, is no longer going to be able to lend/give me money, because she has her own problems that need taking care of.

My friends deserted me a long time ago, in spite of all the times I was there for them in their crises…in spite of all the love I gave them.

I can’t see any way out of my situation, and I can feel the seconds of my life ebbing away.

If I wind up homeless, I won’t be able to get the medical care I need to survive – stomach meds to keep my ulcer at bay, regular iron infusions to combat my anemia, and the two steroid pumps I have to take daily to keep my asthma from killing me. I will likewise lose access to the antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication that keep me sane enough to exist in polite society.

I only have two options, as I see it: Armed robbery, or suicide.

The problem with the first option is that it puts me at risk of years of incarceration; I’m not exactly nondescript and if arrested I could easily be identified.

The problem with the second option is that I will scar my children – whom I already don’t see much of, because my lawyer fucked me so hard in the divorce. They adore me, and I adore them…and I also resent them for anchoring me to this miserable planet.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how I’m going to survive. I’m sad and scared and alone and only one fucking person who’s going to read this is going to say anything, and nothing they say can change my situation. Putting balm on a burned hand while your house is burning down is, sadly, useless.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Clearly, after 2 years of unemployment, no one wants to hire me. Without a job, I can’t make a living wage. Without a living wage, I can’t pay for luxuries like electricity, a phone line, or Internet access.

There are no programs to help men get back on their feet. In the socialist utopia I live in, they have programs for young people to find work or get training; they have programs for women to find work, affordable housing, and even job retraining; they have programs for immigrants that provide far more generous financial aid, along with programs to integrate into society, find a home, find a job or be trained for a new job.

There are no such programs for men in their late 40′s. I know; I asked. The only thing they offer men my age are “courses” on How to Update Your Resume, Job Hunting 101: How to Read Want Ads, and “interview simulation.”

These programs are utterly useless; anyone having trouble finding work at my age already has a skillset and knows how to seek employment; they won’t offer me training in a new skillset, because that isn’t part of their mandate.

My question is, what will society accept more? Me sticking up convenience stores and coffee shops, or me jumping off a bridge?

All my life I was told that a good education and hard work would mean I’d never have to worry about money.

Gen-Z and the Millennials are far from the first generation to be lied to and fucked over by the Boomers.

I’m the last member of Generation-X who hasn’t killed himself.

The Rise of Skywalker is an utter Shit movie and I am going to spoil it.

I have loved and passionately defended every Star Wars movie, but this last one is utter and total shit.  Worse than the Prequels shit.  It broke my fanboy’s heart, simply because the movie felt like it was written by playing a game of Mad Libs.

First, the opening crawl amounts to, Suddenly, PALPATINE! and then we get a ten minute montage of Kylo Ren killing randos while looking for the Emperor’s hidden lair.

Palpatine’s survival is hard waived…he’s hooked up to more machines than your nonagenarian  Gramma in ICU, and he was, somehow, responsible for the creation of Snoke, the First Order, and on his Super Secret Home Planet, ten-thousand star-destroyer armada built by legions of unknown followers of his.

This makes the events of the first two movies utterly meaningless, because PALPATINE WAS LITERALLY THERE, BEHIND THE SCENES, THE WHOLE TIME.

The whole return to the death star thing is just the good guys returning to the moon of Endor to see if they can track down the Emperor.  Oh, and all the Final Order ships have Death-Star cannons, now.  Somehow, they neglected to give anything other than the “door knocker cannon” from Last Jedi to the First Order.

Leia’s death is treated with passing gravitas, and then never mentioned again.  And the film is so bereft of anything resembling a storyline (Somehow Palpatine had a son who wasn’t evil and left Rey on Jakku to keep her safe – yes, Rey’s a Palpatine)

Kylo becomes a good guy when Han’s Ghost shows up to tell him he loves him.  Luke’s Blue Ghost tells Rey to stop training and return to the fight, and uses the Force to unsink his X-wing, because she blew up her ship on the return to Ach-To (Gesundheit.)

Palpatine’s presence, with the armada he calls the Final Order completely undoes the need to ever have had a First Order to begin with; we could have done away with Snoke, and just had Palps from Episode 7.

First Palpatine wants Kylo to be his heir, but then changes his mind and wants Rey to be his heir.  He kills Kylo, or thinks he does, because at the last minute Kylo returns to help Rey Kill Palps without “absorbing his power” and then Kylo dies, force-vanishing so quickly you’d think he owes Rey money.

There’s chases, one fairly passable lightsaber battle, and a ridiculous turnabout at the end of the movie that amounts to a Calrissian ex-machina to turn things around for the heroes.

I wouldn’t say the movie is a clusterfuck, if only because clusterfucks at least try to be coherent.  The movie ends with a lazy callback to Jedi’s conclusion, and then Rey heads to the Lars homestead on Tatooine, where she now goes by Rey Skywalker.

There, I just saved you twenty bucks.  Wait for this piece of shit to be on Disney +