Limbo

It’s the Monday after my court appearance. I should be getting ready to go to the gym; it’s 8:00 in the morning and I’m ready to leave earlier than usual, and yet, I can’t help but sit here, at my laptop, thinking about Friday.

I testified by tearing apart the filings that Youth Protection used against me, point by point with calm, lucid rebuttals. I stated my opinions, challenged their accusations and spoke my truths.

I even told the judge that I was willing to submit my psych evals directly to court, because of how little trust I put in the DPJ of Quebec.

I did everything I could to calmly, clearly defend myself in the face of accusations of instability, unreliability, incapacity and every other false accusation I found within their filings.

I criticized the charged language they used to describe me, versus the humanizing language used to describe my ex-wife.

I did everything I could. Everything right.

So why do I feel like I’m just hanging in the void, waiting for the final blow to come against my fatherhood?

Why do I dread the coming of the judge’s decision?

Why can’t I just be a father to my children again?