The Rise of Skywalker is an utter Shit movie and I am going to spoil it.

I have loved and passionately defended every Star Wars movie, but this last one is utter and total shit.  Worse than the Prequels shit.  It broke my fanboy’s heart, simply because the movie felt like it was written by playing a game of Mad Libs.

First, the opening crawl amounts to, Suddenly, PALPATINE! and then we get a ten minute montage of Kylo Ren killing randos while looking for the Emperor’s hidden lair.

Palpatine’s survival is hard waived…he’s hooked up to more machines than your nonagenarian  Gramma in ICU, and he was, somehow, responsible for the creation of Snoke, the First Order, and on his Super Secret Home Planet, ten-thousand star-destroyer armada built by legions of unknown followers of his.

This makes the events of the first two movies utterly meaningless, because PALPATINE WAS LITERALLY THERE, BEHIND THE SCENES, THE WHOLE TIME.

The whole return to the death star thing is just the good guys returning to the moon of Endor to see if they can track down the Emperor.  Oh, and all the Final Order ships have Death-Star cannons, now.  Somehow, they neglected to give anything other than the “door knocker cannon” from Last Jedi to the First Order.

Leia’s death is treated with passing gravitas, and then never mentioned again.  And the film is so bereft of anything resembling a storyline (Somehow Palpatine had a son who wasn’t evil and left Rey on Jakku to keep her safe – yes, Rey’s a Palpatine)

Kylo becomes a good guy when Han’s Ghost shows up to tell him he loves him.  Luke’s Blue Ghost tells Rey to stop training and return to the fight, and uses the Force to unsink his X-wing, because she blew up her ship on the return to Ach-To (Gesundheit.)

Palpatine’s presence, with the armada he calls the Final Order completely undoes the need to ever have had a First Order to begin with; we could have done away with Snoke, and just had Palps from Episode 7.

First Palpatine wants Kylo to be his heir, but then changes his mind and wants Rey to be his heir.  He kills Kylo, or thinks he does, because at the last minute Kylo returns to help Rey Kill Palps without “absorbing his power” and then Kylo dies, force-vanishing so quickly you’d think he owes Rey money.

There’s chases, one fairly passable lightsaber battle, and a ridiculous turnabout at the end of the movie that amounts to a Calrissian ex-machina to turn things around for the heroes.

I wouldn’t say the movie is a clusterfuck, if only because clusterfucks at least try to be coherent.  The movie ends with a lazy callback to Jedi’s conclusion, and then Rey heads to the Lars homestead on Tatooine, where she now goes by Rey Skywalker.

There, I just saved you twenty bucks.  Wait for this piece of shit to be on Disney +