A while back, before the Return of the Dark Times, I was asked on Facebook, before the world’s first successful rat penis transplant recipient, Mark Fuckerberg** decided that facts didn’t matter and neither did Queer lives made me elect to delete my Facebook account, by the mother of a young science-fiction writer if I had any advice for their child.
As I’ve been writing – or attempting to, I don’t think one can ever claim to successfully write anything – since the tender age of thirteen, some forty-one years ago, I have learned a WEALTH of information. As a father myself, and as someone whose experience might help others succeed where I really didn’t leave my mark, I’m going to share that advice. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, become literary critics.
But, since I CAN teach (though not legally in any institution, public or private, in any Province or Territory in Canada under Penalty of Law,) and love to talk about myself, and my writing, and telling a good story, I would like to welcome you, new Acolytes, to the University-level course, How To Write Good And Get Maybe Published or Something or: Fuck Them All And Go Self-Published Because Draft 2 Digital is Also a Thing, only do it the right way so you get some return for your investment. Okay, I admit the title is a work in progress, but…hey. I have tenure at the University of Lackluster Writing Careers, so they can all kiss my ass.
I won’t ONLY be posting writing advice in this space; I’ll only be doing that when I’m not here to mull over the construction of the galley for, or sharing stories about, details about the technique behind, things I learned while writing, things I learned while working with an editor on the previous edition for-publication galley, things that kept me up at night and thoughts about the forthcoming Author’s Edition of They Came in Peace. Consider it the cynical, shameless self-promotion behind the veneer of altruism.
Lesson One, free in this also not-paywalled Writing Advice category/course: Look for ANY opportunity to self-promote your finished and ready-to-go work – just know how to read the fucking room. Cynical, I know. But, trust me, dear Acolytes, when I say that there are only TWO kinds of writers in the world: Those who want to see their work published, and fucking liars.
HOWEVER,
THIS post is just the INTRODUCTION to the completely-unaccredited University-Level class on How to Write A Science-Fiction Novel, How to Write it Well, and How to Avoid Stupid Mistakes Everybody Makes When Trying To Get Published. (Recommended for writers aged 10 and up)
Yes; ages 10 and up; if you’re writing and on the internet and you’re in your first set of double-digits, you’ve probably already heard worse than Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits.
As I said: The course title is still a work in progress; the schedule for the classes is whenever I post/whenever you read, and if you read to the very end and send me the decrypted secret passphrase found in the final post in this series, whenever that will be, written with a cypher to be discussed in a previous-to-last blog entry, you get 100% passing grade, full credits. Homework might be to try some shit, listen to some music, or do something out of your comfort zone. You will not be graded on homework. There will be no exams. The only stupid question is the one you don’t ask, and because of bots, you’ll notice my comments section is closed. If you’re clever, you already know from visiting this website where to reach me and how.
I’m going to talk truthfully, honestly, and without bullshit, and I reserve the right to use foul, vulgar, and perhaps even vile language while professoring to you (Huh; I did NOT know that professoring was an actual word.), because I have been fucked over by too many bullshit artists, scammers AND friends to not give you the straight dope and, somewhere along the way, a lesson on how to avoid all of the above.
I will NOT be summarizing the Syllabus for this course in this introduction, as I am neither a Doctor of Writing nor a University Professor, and this is also, likewise, not an Accredited University course. And, there’s not really a Syllabus, anyway.
So, to conclude…assuming I didn’t forget something…fuck it; I have a DAY, tomorrow, and it’s already technically tomorrow morning.
**My Lawyer Made Me Add Context: There is no evidence to suggest the rat penis transplant was actually successful.
