My world is ending…

I had my first job interview since before winter, today. It doesn’t look good, and unless I get this job, I am utterly fucked.

My landlord is not renewing my lease/possibly evicting me early. I cannot afford to move; My credit is shit (Because I’m still paying off the last time I moved), so I can’t get a loan or credit card to move.

My bills are piling up, because I’ve been on welfare for months – and welfare barely covers rent and a couple of week’s groceries. My sister, who has been helping me thusfar to survive, is no longer going to be able to lend/give me money, because she has her own problems that need taking care of.

My friends deserted me a long time ago, in spite of all the times I was there for them in their crises…in spite of all the love I gave them.

I can’t see any way out of my situation, and I can feel the seconds of my life ebbing away.

If I wind up homeless, I won’t be able to get the medical care I need to survive – stomach meds to keep my ulcer at bay, regular iron infusions to combat my anemia, and the two steroid pumps I have to take daily to keep my asthma from killing me. I will likewise lose access to the antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication that keep me sane enough to exist in polite society.

I only have two options, as I see it: Armed robbery, or suicide.

The problem with the first option is that it puts me at risk of years of incarceration; I’m not exactly nondescript and if arrested I could easily be identified.

The problem with the second option is that I will scar my children – whom I already don’t see much of, because my lawyer fucked me so hard in the divorce. They adore me, and I adore them…and I also resent them for anchoring me to this miserable planet.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how I’m going to survive. I’m sad and scared and alone and only one fucking person who’s going to read this is going to say anything, and nothing they say can change my situation. Putting balm on a burned hand while your house is burning down is, sadly, useless.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Clearly, after 2 years of unemployment, no one wants to hire me. Without a job, I can’t make a living wage. Without a living wage, I can’t pay for luxuries like electricity, a phone line, or Internet access.

There are no programs to help men get back on their feet. In the socialist utopia I live in, they have programs for young people to find work or get training; they have programs for women to find work, affordable housing, and even job retraining; they have programs for immigrants that provide far more generous financial aid, along with programs to integrate into society, find a home, find a job or be trained for a new job.

There are no such programs for men in their late 40′s. I know; I asked. The only thing they offer men my age are “courses” on How to Update Your Resume, Job Hunting 101: How to Read Want Ads, and “interview simulation.”

These programs are utterly useless; anyone having trouble finding work at my age already has a skillset and knows how to seek employment; they won’t offer me training in a new skillset, because that isn’t part of their mandate.

My question is, what will society accept more? Me sticking up convenience stores and coffee shops, or me jumping off a bridge?

All my life I was told that a good education and hard work would mean I’d never have to worry about money.

Gen-Z and the Millennials are far from the first generation to be lied to and fucked over by the Boomers.

I’m the last member of Generation-X who hasn’t killed himself.

One thought on “My world is ending…”

  1. Steve,
    It’s been a while since! I hate the shit you are going through. It isn’t fair in any way shape or form. All I can say is probably the same Thing you always hear. Hang on. Things change. It is amazing the difference a year can make. I admire the strength And character you have shown through all of this. You are honest about your feelings – not many people can say that. You are in my thoughts.

Comments are closed.