Warning: this post contains naughty words; many, many naughty words. Reader discretion is advised.
Okay, I’m not the first asshole on this bandwagon; many authors more famous, far greater and more successful than I are already railing against this sick piece of fucking shit app for Apple and Android called CleanReader.
I will not link to their shitty website, their fucking Facebook page or even their goddamn Twitter account. I will, however, make frequent reference to the bastards at CleanReader and the fucking vulgar little piece of programming that they decided to shit out over the whole of English fucking Literature before using the pages of the authors’ works to wipe their fucking puckered assholes.
I will likewise tell you in no fucking uncertain terms that they have developed an app which censors eBooks – eBooks sold through their CATALOGUE – without even having the fucking balls to acknowledge the author’s right to govern the content of their work. In fact, the pussies at CleanReader never even fucking bothered to ASK the authors whose work they’ve taken a steaming, nutty shit all over if they wanted to fucking participate in the CleanReader program. Probably because they fucking know how many of us would have told them to suck our dicks, or lick our clits, or to just go to Hell and fuck themselves sideways with their fucking bullshit app.
If you’re in any way familiar with my writing, you know that I use swear words. Shit, I use a lot of swear words. Shit, I use a whole fucking lot of swear words; like, an almost fucking ridiculous amount of fucking swear words. In fact, I would say I fucking use swear words like some son of a bitch asshole is about to fuck me over by declaring swear words illegal, and I’m trying to get rid of a fucking warehouse full of the shit before they’re fucking banned. I’m particularly fucking fond of the word fuck, and its many fucking forms.
The thing is, I have always and steadfastly believed that “expletives” are among the English language’s most essential words, not just because of the power we impart in “taboo” words, but because the English language, as beautiful as it is, is goddamn bereft of a metric fuck-ton of expressive nouns, pronouns and adjectives, adverbs and all those other fucking parts of a sentence that other languages take for fucking granted.
Now, fuck me if I’m wrong, but, Hell: I think any well rounded vocabulary must, sure as shit, include “expletive” language. And so as not to undermine my own eloquence, I feel it is necessary to point out at this particular juncture, that I am capable of a most civil and repressed form of verbal intercourse or discourse, without the faintest signs of anything other than an utter appreciation for the somnolent language of a more repressive era in our cultural and linguistic history. I can elucidate and ejaculate without using pejorative vulgarities, although I far prefer to allow my mouth the pleasure of forming and expressing those verbal vulgarities because they are, verily, veritable venues of vernacular vocalization. Vagina.
But fuck that. I feel that if you, as a writer, want to use any of the seven words George Carlin was sure would never be uttered on television, [which are shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits, respectively; it is really fucking interesting to note that broadcast television has relented on piss (but not shit) and tits (but not cunt), and fuck, cocksucker and motherfucker likewise remain off regular television. It’s also worth noting that cocksucker has dropped out of most people’s lexicons, because it was generally a pejorative used against gay men, or women who give head.] then I feel it is your goddamn fucking right to use the shit out of those seven fucking words, and any other expletives that you fucking want to use, when you write that bastard of a book you’ve been bitching about since you can first remember the Muses fucking your Barbara Streisand.
What CleanReader does is either block out the offending words, or replace them with other words; “Witch” instead of “Bitch” (Which shows a blatant bigoted disregard to the Pagan Community), and presumably “Shoot” instead of “Shit” and this is just a pulling-out-of-my-distended asshole here, but I’m going to say they replace “Fuck” with “Fudge”…basically, the whores at CleanReader make your reading experience sound like an angry five year old’s rant.
They say this is being done to protect the reader’s rights. However, they ignore the fact that the reader’s rights are (1) to buy a book, or not and (2) to choose to read that book, or not. It is no longer a question of an all-sales-are-final world (since Amazon, among other eBook retailers allow for refunds,) and that’s pretty much your only fucking rights as a reader. Yes, if you’re reading something that you find really fucking upsetting or offensive, you have every fucking right to give it a shitty review, or to bitch and moan to or about the asshole who wrote it. You can goddamn refund your fucking purchase, or you can keep reading and get more and more upset like some stupid fucking asshole who blows a load every time they get fucking offended.
This app specifically targets eBooks, and given that there are few places where you can’t fucking download a percentage of the book FOR FUCKING FREE WITH NO GODDAMN OBLIGATION TO BUY THAT SHIT IF YOU DON’T FUCKING WANT TO, to get a feel for what you’d be investing your fucking money into BEFORE BUYING, it’s really fucking egregious that such a fucking app exists.
Because, CleanReader COMPLETELY FUCKING IGNORES THE AUTHOR’S FUCKING RIGHTS TO THE GODDAMN INTEGRITY OF WHAT THEY FUCKING WROTE.
CleanReader isn’t just an app you use to read eBooks…they SELL EBOOKS PRELOADED with blurred lines; that’s fucking obscene. They do so without asking the author’s fucking permission, and I feel that this is a complete and utter fucking violation of the author’s right to control the content of their own fucking work.
I don’t give two shits if they have the rights to redistribute these works from the retailers…I don’t give a fuck if I get a royalty cheque from the fucking assholes at CleanReader or not…What I give a good Goddamn about is whether the Hell my book is delivered to my readers as originally fucking published. If you decide to dick around with my shit, fuck it up and be a cunt about it, cutting out every fuck, shit, hell and pair of Queen’s Tits that are within, and you’re doing so WITHOUT MY FUCKING PERMISSION, you are interfering with my fucking rights to my own goddamn shit. To my sensitive olfactory receptors, that, frankly, smells worse than a dented and expired can of piss-fermented assholes.
It wasn’t that long ago that I was involved in a fucking plagiarism dispute, because some stupid motherfucker decided he’d be a complete dick, and try to release The Unearthing and Through Darkness and Stars as his own work. I said “Fuck that bullshit” and got the stolen goods taken down (and then subsequently decided if any son of a bitch was going to whore out my work for money it was fucking well going to be me, goddamnit!) and the thing about CleanReader that really twists my tits and kicks me in the nutsack is the fact that the fucker who PLAGIARIZED me didn’t change a single fucking word of what I wrote. The guy who tried to fuck me by stealing my work HAD MORE GODDAMN RESPECT FOR THE WORK THAN YOU BASTARDS!
These cum-sucking fuckwits at CleanReader have ZERO fucking respect for the authors and the works they fucking exploit; not only are they completely fucking disregarding our rights to the intellectual property WE FUCKING CREATED, they’re casually shitting all over every writer out there.
In my case, just to be a fucking egotistical prick and make this the fuck about me, they are completely disrespecting the content of what I fucking slaved over for a significant fucking portion of my goddamn life and taking a huge shit all over my work and words. I started working on the Omniverse series way the fuck back in 1997. That’s almost TWENTY FUCKING YEARS OF MY FUCKING LIFE dedicated to words that these CleanReader asshats don’t give two shits about, because they think it’s more important that they have the ability to fucking CENSOR what I fucking wrote.
So to the pus-filled, distended assholes behind CleanReader, I can only say what that great Republican Statesman, Richard Cheney once said to Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy: GO FUCK YOURSELVES.
I will not be censored; I didn’t allow the fucking Quebec GOVERNMENT to rob me of my goddamn words, I sure as shit am not going to fucking let you do the same. Fuck you, fuck your app, fuck your mothers, fuck your dogs, fuck your cats, your fucking goldfish, whatever passes for your fucking church, and your vulgar fucking organization. You are more fucking offensive than a spastic Marilyn Manson with tourette’s syndrome because YOU CENSOR BOOKS.
The only thing you could do to the labors of a writer that could be more fucking obscene, you fucking shit-eating, cock-sucking cunts, is if you fucking burned the books like goddamn Nazis. In fact, as far as censorship goes, you’re right up there with some of the worst pieces of fucking cum-glazed, oven-roasted Human shit in the history of the fucking world.
So FUCK YOU, CleanReader. I hope you, your app and everyone involved with it is drowned in a flood of jizz from the filthiest fucking chronic masturbators that the homeless population of the Americas, North, South and fucking Central, can fucking dredge up to smack their cocks in a big, long, hand-pumped dick firing squad.
Consider this closing paragraph of my admittedly shit-hemorrhaging missive a Takedown Notice: If you pussies have a single copy of any of my fucking works in your goddamned fucking catalogue of sanitized for my fucking protection eBooks, take them the FUCK down, now. Do I fucking make myself clear, assholes?