I remember a time not so long ago when at this hour on a Saturday night I’d be on two tabs of acid at the local nightclub with a group of friends chain smoking and dancing and binge-drinking right there on the floor…the smell of booze sweat perfume and hormones everywhere…

…now I sit in the dark, wondering how I’m going to survive another broken day alone and struggling to find meaning…knowing that m y friends of old who left me behind are both still living as if they were young, while celebrating my grim absence.

How monstrously abhorrent am I that I was played the fool then, and considered a monster, now? In between and before, wasn’t I a friend? Did I not stand by every one of my friends, when their interests were not in direct conflict with my own? Did I not support them when the rest of the world turned their backs on them?

Yet time and again these same people would laugh at me behind my back, or outright dismiss me, once my use to them was done…mock me, make jokes at my expense…and I lost track of the number of times some of these people begged me back into their lives…

…yet here I am, alone, again and now and forever in the dark with my fractured memories and the countless shards of my shattered heart…where memories unbidden of my youth come back to haunt me with memories of missed opportunities and failed attempts, of blind eyes and deaf hearts…

…I pray the future will be better, for my children as they reach gradually, inevitably towards their second decades…that they will never the kind of selfish cruelty that I knew then in my time.

As to those I knew then? I rebuke you all; and it matters not. I am as impotent as King Kanute before the tides. I matter as little to your hearts and minds as you do to my day-to-day…

…and yet day to day all my heart and mind turn to are those of you I loved, called friend, those of you whose very presence made my life worth living, those of you I was in love with, those of you I loved like brothers and sisters, those of you who I, in my own, stupid, clumsy way only wanted to be accepted by…

I wonder: in your lives in the light do you ever spare a thought to those of us you left in the dark?

I know I’m not the first to have been dropped into this dark abyss…not even the latest, I’m sure…

But do you ever remember how truly, unselfishly you had been loved?

Do you even remembered that another real human being loved and cared about you?

Does it matter to you that all I ever wanted was to be loved back, to be accepted as I was, as I accepted you, as you were?